The Loganimity of this post may cause some issues...

Dear universe or people who care to read, but don’t respond for whatever reason,

Note: I wanted to write in my old blog, but I felt a fresh new one may be a better idea.

They say patience is a virtue… I wish I knew who they were. I hate waiting for things, it makes me anxious, sometimes I just have to stop and take a deep breath! Its times like these I miss the proximity of my friends. Why do they have to be an ocean or a province away? L

 There are a lot of words or phrases that start with the letter “P” on my mind lately.

 Portuguese Ninja: (the guy I like, really like)His name ironically starts with “P” Usually really liking guys doesn’t end well for me. So the question is do I have the patience to find out if its different this time. Yes, but it sucks!

Phone number: Ahwsdfhksdfksd! Why haven’t had enough stones to ask for it yet?)

Pancakes: yum! How made ones are best, but there is a certain restaurant that makes good ones too.

Patience: (but I mentioned that already briefly.)

Perpetual anxiety: Ok well two words perpetual counts right? It’s a persistent battle with this.

Pissed of supervisors: Rawr not a place to write about this…

Pooh-headed individuals: You shouldn’t call people pieces of shit, enough said!

Peacefulness: Although only momentarily, but I will take it when I can.

Parsimonious: not really a word on my mind, I just like the word :P Well I used to be frugal

Pandiculation: This I do frequently also a word I like. The dictionary says it’s a word, but spell checker says it is not?

Pantomime: me in a nut shell, apparently people can tell when I am distressed due to my over expressiveness.

Perfectionist: Something not being how I think it should be makes me angry and anxious

Pudding: how I feel when I am around people I like or I do or say something inanely stupid. It’s a warm melty fear like feeling, perhaps its anxiety? Also the finicky boxes I’ve put away at night. It irritates people, but I handle them like a boss! :P

Problem solving: Things I am working on! I need resolutions!

Pain: Emotional pain! It hurts more than physical!

Preparation: Preparing myself for eventual outcomes, when I really should just go with the flow.

Psyching myself out: I have no need to explain this one.

 
I think I have gone on enough about the letter P

 Perhaps I should elaborate on the Portuguese Ninja? I hope if things work out he will be MY Portuguese Ninja.

You see he got his knick name from my friend Chris, whom I miss a lot. Here is how it happened. I was talking to Chris on Facebook.

Me: Hopefully I can ask this guy to coffee its hard to sleep when he is on my mind.

Chris: Multimedia Guy?

Me: No overnight stalking ninja guy! Irony, yes? You once said I was from Portugal for some reason I have never determined and Mexican and Malaysian.

Chris: a Portuguese Ninja? This I’ve got to read!

 So here is it’s

 

 The Portuguese Ninja saga.

 

It started almost a month ago, maybe longer. I met him at work. We seemed to connect over witty jokes, mean supervisors, our love of sleep, etc. It suddenly became apparent when: “For The Longest Time” started playing at work. It was one of those moments you know you like someone, you’re not sure in what way and then all of sudden bam! Oh my God I like him. It’s a sudden anxiety a pang in the heart. My stomach is in knots and I think, oh please not again?!

 

My theories as to why this happens are the following.

1. I have no luck when it comes to guys; I think I like the wrong ones because I know they will reject me so I don’t have to go through the trouble of exposing myself to them and get hurt even more so.
2. I subconsciously like the feeling of being in love despite the negative effects of the love bug.
3. I am extra sensitive so I fall way too quickly, I must be a romantic at heart.
4. \You can’t control who you like! It’s a 50/50 draw, blah, blah, blah! We were made to love a person regardless of gender or race.
5. He is are beautiful! :P To me that is!

 So for about a week of discovering my love sickness, I delude myself into being strong enough to ask him for coffee the following week at work. HE WASN’T EVEN THERE! Well that just sets my anxiety into overdrive. What if he quit? What if I missed my chance? It was OK, he was just sick disaster averted. Phew! My anxiety went away for awhile.

 Meanwhile Popcorn guy comes along and gives me his number… Popcorn Guy comes to the movies at my other job frequently. He seems friendly and we sort have a potential friendship. I realise now in retrospect I should not have called him, but I didn’t know what was going on with the ninja and I felt like I had too and umm yes…

 Popcorn Guy turned out mighty creepy! He came on way to strong. (Yes I know you like me, but you don’t have to tell me every single text message.) I know technically I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but I thought it was polite to give a guy a chance seeing as he was brave enough to approach me.  If not I learnt what not to do in terms of courting the other. J

 I’m slightly obsessive, but most who know me, know that already. I digress…

 Next week back…

 Day one:  I chickened out. I hated myself for it. I felt like I was going to dry up. My friends at work said I had to take the plunge, by this point I think they knew who he was. I’m terrible at keep secrets and such.

Day two: My two friends both knowing I liked him encouraged me and pretty much forced me to ask him. I had to write him a note because I was way too nervous. So I did! I wrote him a nice note that said would you like to go to coffee sometime after work with my number? He read it and he turned to me and said yes we could definitely do that! My friends told me to strut! It was definite confidence boosting moment. But would my anxiety, confidence lacking self let me enjoy it for long? NO!

Day three: Ummm no date was set for coffee?! Still elated that he said yes mind you! My mom said she was so happy for me her cheeks hurt. :P I gathered my courage and sat with him at lunch, where I found out he likes Doctor Who and Red Dwarf! Yay!

Day four: Still no coffee date? My obsessive self destroyed my innards because of this. The part of me that dislikes me made fun of me and said he probably only said yes to be nice and he’d change his mind. I fought back and told myself to just be patient, it would all work out. Luckily I had good friends to talk me through it. J Bestie friends that is!

Day five: No coffee date, no phone calls, I’m perpetually anxious and confused.

Somewhere between Day 1 and four I felt like I was doomed. I had forced myself into a coffee date with Popcorn Guy, but all I really wanted was the Portuguese Ninja. I felt like I was destined to break Popcorn Guys heart. The fact that he couldn’t seem to figure out when I was trying to set up the coffee date should have been a sign. You think he’d get it when he tried to touch and I recoiled should have been a clue I was not interested? Not to mention asking to kiss me after a coffee? Instant panic mode! I knew right then and there not going to happen, even if Popcorn Guy also liked Red Dwarf and Doctor Who.

 Finally this week…

 Day one: Someone said he quit. I nearly had a heart attack! Thinking nothing ever works out for me. Finally near the end of the shift I actually was able to vocalise “Are we still on for coffee? Yay me! He said yes again and I found out he wanted to know when. Figures! We arranged a time! I decide to tell Popcorn Guy that I just want to be friends! He freaks out at me, made it out that I was pursuing him, etc. Ummm no!

 Day two: Coffee after work yay! Everyone at work knows about it…not so yay! Some friends suggest I wait awhile so I don’t push him away.

 Day three: Now what? One even suggests he doesn’t want a girlfriend. I think she was just concerned for my feelings. I stupidly listened too her and prepared myself for rejection just to be safe. Stupid I know. He gave me a ride home from work…

 Day Four: Still nothing, the asshole of a supervisor said mean things about him…Grrrr….Details are better left unsaid.

 Day Five: Still upset over the night before, still wondering if its OK to ask Portuguese Ninja out again….I decide to ask him nicely when I see him next. I have to wait now because I was too chicken to ask him for his number…

Day six:  After a week of silence Popcorn Guy starts bugging me again! Me still wondering about the other…

So yes in two more days I can finally ask him for Pancakes at a certain restaurant! I told my mom this when she suggested restaurant for breakfast yesterday morning. I said the only way I am going to this restaurant is if it’s with a certain someone! “She gave me the OK then Melissa look!” It was priceless; she probably thinks I have jumped off the deep end of crazy.

 So what have I learnt so far? Love sickness is madness! It makes you bat shit crazy! Also from past mistakes it makes me say, write and do things I am not proud of. I hope the people whom I’ve hurt due to past word use have forgiven me. I hope I can forgive myself! Also patience is a virtue and good things are worth waiting for.

 P.S. I know it will all work out!