Thursday, November 13, 2014

Relationships are crazy!

My relationship with the Portuguese Ninja is going very slow. It feels like its going somewhere, but it is just taking forever. It’s probably a good thing.

All I hear from some girls is all about there boyfriends and how amazing hot and awesome they are. Blah! It makes me feel awkward, like my relationship with my guy is not real or something.

For example:

I’ll call them Sally and Sophia…I work with them at the theatre. They are much younger then me. Perhaps it’s a generational thing?

Sally: I just had 7 days of sex…

Me: I had seven somewhat dates?

Me thinking: Way too much information…thanks for reminding me for my lack of sex life. Urgh!

Sophia: Maybe in your head it’s a date but it’s probably just hanging out.

Me: I figured.

Me thinking: blah shut up!


Sally: Mine has the most beautiful man butt and abs. I can count them. He is so awesome…and cute. He is literally the perfect guy.

Sophia: Mines really awesome too…and hot.

Me thinking: Good for you!

Me: Mine, well not really mine…he is just a little bit taller then me, cuddly and umm has pretty eyes?


Sally: We went on awesome dates and had such a good connection.

Me: He let me put his arm next to his.

Sally and Sophia: awkward silence….


Sally: Mine kept buying me stuff…I had to tell him to stop.

Me: Mine won’t buy me anything, and he won’t let me buy him anything either, (although he did buy me a bagel and coffee on our very first coffee.)

Sophia: Well that’s good.

Me: he is super nice and respectful guy though.

Sophia: Well that’s important.

Me thinking: And obviously looks too according to you two.


Sally: Mine has hardly any hair. He is like the least hairless guy I have ever met.

Sophia: Mine too. His legs have hardly any hair. It’s so unfair.

Sally: I know right.

Sophia: We girls have to worry about hair and here there are guys that have no problems at all.

Me: Mine is hairy…but I don’t mind.

Me thinking: Isn’t hair natural on human bodies both women and men?

Sally and Sophia: awkward silence….


Sally: Want to see a picture of him. (shows us a picture or her amazingly awesome lover…)

Sophia: He is hot!

Me: he is cute….

Me thinking: meh!

Me: want to see a picture of my guy friend? I kind of photo bombed him. He is eating grapes.

Sally: I already saw him.

Me:  such and such though he was cute.

Sophia: Hmmm... (in an approving like manner, she shrugs.)

Me: My guy is Portuguese

Sally: Portuguese people are crazy.

Me: OK…well there was this old Portuguese lady at the farmers market who insisted I wanted to buy flowers.

Sally: See they always a bit cray cray! They are the East Indians of Europe!

Me thinking: That’s racist!

Me: He doesn’t seem crazy.

Me thinking: Fuck you!

 So what have I learnt from this…I’m not superficial. I already use the pronouns my and mine to denote ownership when I really have no idea if in fact he is mine. Well he is my friend. That I do own.
P.S. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Pancakes vs. Popcorn

Dearest readers or more than likely my friends since they read this,

I am inclined to write about this because it is kind of hilarious, but not really. But I am writing it so perhaps it will be? I just want to get it out of my system perhaps?

 You see the proper term for my current condition is Limerence. It is the involuntary state of mind resulting from romantic attraction. Not sure if its on the extreme end mind you.

 So I’ve actually managed to score a second date with the Portuguese Ninja! (I feel like I could call him Pancake Guy too.) Again I was too nervous so I handed him a note. This time it was an acrostic poem about pancakes using his name. However, as he probably does not want his identity revealed or in actual fact because he is a pretty respectful guy and I respect him, well I won’t reveal his awesome sauce name. Despite his name being pretty cool. I digress he actually said yes. How did I manage to get another date with a cute guy I like? Why is the universe suddenly being so nice to me!? I knew it was a sign when I saw a case of pancake mix in the backroom. :P

The events that led up to pancake date.

 During lunch break, we are discussing random stuff. I actually had the nerve to sit and talk with him, which is a big deal for me. If I like a guy that way I am over come with anxiety.

 Lunch is almost over when I say:

 Me: I like pancakes!

Portuguese Ninja: Ummmm

Me thinking: Oh fudge…finish sentence I would like to go for pancakes with you? Garhrekwjlkjfsdljflsdkfjs!

Me: Well you know I wish I had them and ummm you know with my pizza and soup…

Portuguese Ninja: Ok…

Another person in the lunch room: Well that’s a lot of food!

Me: Well uh… I … uh like pancakes.

 So yes at this point I feel like banging my head against the wall. I feel like a chicken because I can’t ask and RAWR! So I decide to go with the note route again. Yeah sue me…except this time I added a specific venue and time. So when last coffee break came around.

Me: (gathers resolve and somewhat glad the anxiety is not as bad as last time) There was a reason I mentioned pancakes earlier. (Hands him the note)

Portuguese Ninja: (Reads note.) Yeah we can definitely do that.

Me: I am painfully shy hence the note..

Portuguese Ninja: (silence, nods slightly, almost ignoring my I’m shy comment.) I like pancakes too.

Me: Awesome… I am just like Stewie Griffin when it comes to pancakes

Portuguese Ninja: (slightly perplexed look) Stewie Griffin? Oh it’s the syrup he is addicted too.

Me: Right of course the syrup, that’s what I meant.

Me thinking: I stole a friends comment…shifty eyes yeah sue me! I honestly had no clue it was the syrup.

Portuguese Ninja:  (smiles…)

Me: I picked either of those days because I thought it would be easier for you?

Portuguese Ninja: (sort of finishes the sentence)my days off.

Me thinking: Yay! Really? How did I get another date with this cool guy?

 My friends at work all know about this. I really wish it hadn’t been made public, but they all know I am shy or anxious about the situation. In fact I was even asked if I even talked to him on the previous coffee date. Ha di ha di ha! Yes I talked to him and it was easier to talk to him outside of work.

So I am thinking there is probably a down side too this saga, not the potential pancake date. You see I hurt someone unintentionally. The thing I learnt is if you throw your feelings out way too soon, it is kind of like throwing yourself under a bus. Trust me I’ve learnt the hard way. I am not sure which is more uncomfortable having feelings thrown at you or being run over. I’ve been run over a lot, but now I feel like I have somehow been pulled slightly out of the way of the bus coming for me, not completely. I still worry I am pushing too hard.  However I let Popcorn guy get run over and I was on the uncomfortable side of perhaps pushing him. I know what he is going through, but I know trying to explain that to him might make things worse.

Popcorn Guy practically tackles me with his feelings which are way overwhelming. Something about asking a girl to kiss him on coffee date, demanding a proper dinner date, the constant text messages ranging from an inappropriate picture, to I dream about you, or why don’t you like me, how could you ask for my number if you weren’t serious (note: he gave me his number not me) range from feeling bad for hurting his feelings to downright frustration. From this I learnt patience and to protect your feelings.

I am struggling to hold them all in when it comes to the Portuguese Ninja, but it’s hard because I’m super sensitive and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have no armour to protect me. All the periods of self elation to self doubt is frigging exhausting. I want someone special even if it’s a friend. However, I appreciate the Portuguese Ninja is taking his time to show me what he is thinking, despite the frustration of not really knowing. Perhaps we will be friends, or maybe more, who knows at this point. The mystery of unravelling a potential love story is way more exciting. I am learning from this experience, which in a way is a gain.

Its also nice to know I have friends who are cheering me on and giving me advice, even if they are far away. I feel more connected to them because of this.

And as of late….the letter “P” seemed to be cropping up again. I even have new words to add like pain (the emotional kind), pizza, pears, plums, peaches, pasta sauce, persistent anxiety, purple sweater (I got a new one.) and panic.  
P.S. The only thing that will irritate me is if I have to do all the asking! Also I successfully got my learners back yay!


Wednesday, September 3, 2014

The Loganimity of this post may cause some issues...

Dear universe or people who care to read, but don’t respond for whatever reason,

Note: I wanted to write in my old blog, but I felt a fresh new one may be a better idea.

They say patience is a virtue… I wish I knew who they were. I hate waiting for things, it makes me anxious, sometimes I just have to stop and take a deep breath! Its times like these I miss the proximity of my friends. Why do they have to be an ocean or a province away? L

 There are a lot of words or phrases that start with the letter “P” on my mind lately.

 Portuguese Ninja: (the guy I like, really like)His name ironically starts with “P” Usually really liking guys doesn’t end well for me. So the question is do I have the patience to find out if its different this time. Yes, but it sucks!

Phone number: Ahwsdfhksdfksd! Why haven’t had enough stones to ask for it yet?)

Pancakes: yum! How made ones are best, but there is a certain restaurant that makes good ones too.

Patience: (but I mentioned that already briefly.)

Perpetual anxiety: Ok well two words perpetual counts right? It’s a persistent battle with this.

Pissed of supervisors: Rawr not a place to write about this…

Pooh-headed individuals: You shouldn’t call people pieces of shit, enough said!

Peacefulness: Although only momentarily, but I will take it when I can.

Parsimonious: not really a word on my mind, I just like the word :P Well I used to be frugal

Pandiculation: This I do frequently also a word I like. The dictionary says it’s a word, but spell checker says it is not?

Pantomime: me in a nut shell, apparently people can tell when I am distressed due to my over expressiveness.

Perfectionist: Something not being how I think it should be makes me angry and anxious

Pudding: how I feel when I am around people I like or I do or say something inanely stupid. It’s a warm melty fear like feeling, perhaps its anxiety? Also the finicky boxes I’ve put away at night. It irritates people, but I handle them like a boss! :P

Problem solving: Things I am working on! I need resolutions!

Pain: Emotional pain! It hurts more than physical!

Preparation: Preparing myself for eventual outcomes, when I really should just go with the flow.

Psyching myself out: I have no need to explain this one.
I think I have gone on enough about the letter P

 Perhaps I should elaborate on the Portuguese Ninja? I hope if things work out he will be MY Portuguese Ninja.

You see he got his knick name from my friend Chris, whom I miss a lot. Here is how it happened. I was talking to Chris on Facebook.

Me: Hopefully I can ask this guy to coffee its hard to sleep when he is on my mind.

Chris: Multimedia Guy?

Me: No overnight stalking ninja guy! Irony, yes? You once said I was from Portugal for some reason I have never determined and Mexican and Malaysian.

Chris: a Portuguese Ninja? This I’ve got to read!

 So here is it’s
 The Portuguese Ninja saga.


It started almost a month ago, maybe longer. I met him at work. We seemed to connect over witty jokes, mean supervisors, our love of sleep, etc. It suddenly became apparent when: “For The Longest Time” started playing at work. It was one of those moments you know you like someone, you’re not sure in what way and then all of sudden bam! Oh my God I like him. It’s a sudden anxiety a pang in the heart. My stomach is in knots and I think, oh please not again?!


My theories as to why this happens are the following.

  1. I have no luck when it comes to guys; I think I like the wrong ones because I know they will reject me so I don’t have to go through the trouble of exposing myself to them and get hurt even more so.
  2. I subconsciously like the feeling of being in love despite the negative effects of the love bug.
  3. I am extra sensitive so I fall way too quickly, I must be a romantic at heart.
  4. \You can’t control who you like! It’s a 50/50 draw, blah, blah, blah! We were made to love a person regardless of gender or race.
  5. He is are beautiful! :P To me that is!
 So for about a week of discovering my love sickness, I delude myself into being strong enough to ask him for coffee the following week at work. HE WASN’T EVEN THERE! Well that just sets my anxiety into overdrive. What if he quit? What if I missed my chance? It was OK, he was just sick disaster averted. Phew! My anxiety went away for awhile.

 Meanwhile Popcorn guy comes along and gives me his number… Popcorn Guy comes to the movies at my other job frequently. He seems friendly and we sort have a potential friendship. I realise now in retrospect I should not have called him, but I didn’t know what was going on with the ninja and I felt like I had too and umm yes…

 Popcorn Guy turned out mighty creepy! He came on way to strong. (Yes I know you like me, but you don’t have to tell me every single text message.) I know technically I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but I thought it was polite to give a guy a chance seeing as he was brave enough to approach me.  If not I learnt what not to do in terms of courting the other. J

 I’m slightly obsessive, but most who know me, know that already. I digress…

 Next week back…

 Day one:  I chickened out. I hated myself for it. I felt like I was going to dry up. My friends at work said I had to take the plunge, by this point I think they knew who he was. I’m terrible at keep secrets and such.

Day two: My two friends both knowing I liked him encouraged me and pretty much forced me to ask him. I had to write him a note because I was way too nervous. So I did! I wrote him a nice note that said would you like to go to coffee sometime after work with my number? He read it and he turned to me and said yes we could definitely do that! My friends told me to strut! It was definite confidence boosting moment. But would my anxiety, confidence lacking self let me enjoy it for long? NO!

Day three: Ummm no date was set for coffee?! Still elated that he said yes mind you! My mom said she was so happy for me her cheeks hurt. :P I gathered my courage and sat with him at lunch, where I found out he likes Doctor Who and Red Dwarf! Yay!

Day four: Still no coffee date? My obsessive self destroyed my innards because of this. The part of me that dislikes me made fun of me and said he probably only said yes to be nice and he’d change his mind. I fought back and told myself to just be patient, it would all work out. Luckily I had good friends to talk me through it. J Bestie friends that is!

Day five: No coffee date, no phone calls, I’m perpetually anxious and confused.

Somewhere between Day 1 and four I felt like I was doomed. I had forced myself into a coffee date with Popcorn Guy, but all I really wanted was the Portuguese Ninja. I felt like I was destined to break Popcorn Guys heart. The fact that he couldn’t seem to figure out when I was trying to set up the coffee date should have been a sign. You think he’d get it when he tried to touch and I recoiled should have been a clue I was not interested? Not to mention asking to kiss me after a coffee? Instant panic mode! I knew right then and there not going to happen, even if Popcorn Guy also liked Red Dwarf and Doctor Who.

 Finally this week…

 Day one: Someone said he quit. I nearly had a heart attack! Thinking nothing ever works out for me. Finally near the end of the shift I actually was able to vocalise “Are we still on for coffee? Yay me! He said yes again and I found out he wanted to know when. Figures! We arranged a time! I decide to tell Popcorn Guy that I just want to be friends! He freaks out at me, made it out that I was pursuing him, etc. Ummm no!

 Day two: Coffee after work yay! Everyone at work knows about it…not so yay! Some friends suggest I wait awhile so I don’t push him away.

 Day three: Now what? One even suggests he doesn’t want a girlfriend. I think she was just concerned for my feelings. I stupidly listened too her and prepared myself for rejection just to be safe. Stupid I know. He gave me a ride home from work…

 Day Four: Still nothing, the asshole of a supervisor said mean things about him…Grrrr….Details are better left unsaid.

 Day Five: Still upset over the night before, still wondering if its OK to ask Portuguese Ninja out again….I decide to ask him nicely when I see him next. I have to wait now because I was too chicken to ask him for his number…

Day six:  After a week of silence Popcorn Guy starts bugging me again! Me still wondering about the other…

So yes in two more days I can finally ask him for Pancakes at a certain restaurant! I told my mom this when she suggested restaurant for breakfast yesterday morning. I said the only way I am going to this restaurant is if it’s with a certain someone! “She gave me the OK then Melissa look!” It was priceless; she probably thinks I have jumped off the deep end of crazy.

 So what have I learnt so far? Love sickness is madness! It makes you bat shit crazy! Also from past mistakes it makes me say, write and do things I am not proud of. I hope the people whom I’ve hurt due to past word use have forgiven me. I hope I can forgive myself! Also patience is a virtue and good things are worth waiting for.

 P.S. I know it will all work out!